Taking Action
I get onto the subway car and sit down across from a small family. A three- or four-year-old girl with shoulder-length brown hair and her parents. She has a gold crown on her head and is holding a pink dinosaur - evidently going to the museum. When I first got on the train, I thought she was wearing a simple purple dress, but now, as I look, I realize her dress is covered in Daisies. And in an instant, I feel like I cannot breathe, but also cannot stop smiling. Luckily, their stop is next, so her parents don’t notice the lady with tears in her eyes, not being able to take her eyes off their child.
On a different day, perhaps I wouldn’t have had such a visceral reaction. I see daisies everywhere I go. They are a popular flower. But I had a dream about Daisy last night, and when I saw this little girl, the feeling of her in my arms came rushing back to me. And so too does the realization that I will never hold Daisy again. My arms constantly feel empty, and there are times when I do not know what to do with them.
On a different day, I would have just smiled and thought about how cute the dress was. But on this day, I was coming home after my sleep doctor appointment where I found out that I have moderate sleep apnea. He told me a lot of information, and many numbers were mentioned. But the one that stuck out to me was 29. At one point during my test, I stopped breathing for 29 seconds. That sounds quite extreme to me, but maybe my feeling sensitive that morning caused everything to feel more real. I’ve been having a million different tests the past 2 weeks and have been feeling kinda cuckoo bird. I’m tired of feeling sick and exhausted by all the mental hoops I have to go through just to get through the day.
It’s now a few days and a whole colonoscopy later. When I said I was having a lot of medical tests, I meant it. Don’t worry. Other than being constantly constipated, everything is fine. Basically, I am full of shit, which I kinda already knew!
I’ve been reflecting a lot on my mental and physical health and just how connected they are. I’m going to be doing another round of
TMS
I’ve been meaning to write for a while, but for whatever reason, always seem to find an excuse not to. Or I just write in my actual journal in very messy handwriting and where nothing really makes sense. Just random thoughts strung together as one.
TMS, which, if you’ve read my previous posts, I also did a few years ago. I was very reluctant to say yes to the treatment, to be honest. It is hard for me to remember if it truly worked or not. Everyone around me- doctors, sisters, friends- have told me it was. But since I’ve fallen back into a deep depression, it is hard for me to imagine that it actually made a difference. When was the last time I felt ok? Am I supposed to know the answer to that. Time passes without me realizing it and everything is kinda blurry when I try to think about my mood. My depressed brain wants me to think that I’ve been like this forever and that I will never feel better. But is that actually true? I don’t know the answer to that.
A friend of mine recently reminded me of the importance of taking action when trying to get through rough times. We cannot just ask God for help and expect everything to get better. We have to take steps to make sure that we can get through whatever comes our way, even if it is little tiny steps.
I guess that is what I’ve been trying to do with all of these medical tests. Taking the steps that might lead to the answer of why I physically feel sick all the time. At the same time, I guess that is also what I am doing with saying yes to another round of TMS. I cannot know if it will work until I’ve actually done it. So, despite my reservations, I am moving forward with all the recommendations.
Taking action is not easy to do, but perhaps it’s necessary.